He drove the Snakes out of Ireland

St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, is one of Christianity's most widely known figures. But for all his celebrity, his life remains somewhat of a mystery. Many of the stories traditionally associated with St. Patrick, including the famous account of his banishing all the snakes from Ireland, are false, the products of hundreds of years of exaggerated storytelling.

Top 5 – things you should do to get ready for St Patrick’s Day

5 pick up an extra large bottle of Tylenol
4 if you’re a glutton for punishment listen to the Irish Rovers and the Carlton Showband
3 See if anybody remembers the tv show ‘The Pig and Whistle’ if they do – beat them up.
2 start looking for a parade to be in …

and the Number One thing you should do to get ready for St. Patrick’s Day – haul out the Patty O’ Furniture.

In Canada we have shamrocks, too. The economy is on the rocks and the government is a sham.

The Irish believe in leprechauns. Leprechauns are mischievous little fellows who delight in telling wildly exaggerated stories. They're like little green pauperizes.

St. Patrick's Day -- when everybody is half Irish and half plastered.

Got the St Patrick’s day weekend coming up – when everyone who wants to drink on Sunday night puts Mc in front of their name. Here’s how funny it sounds when you put Mc in front of your last name .. a few people that work around CJVR.. McSkender, McRomaniuk, McTuleta, McSanderson. McHankey..... do that at work a few times it’s a lot of fun and will make you very popular.

St Patricks day weekend and I wonder if MacDonalds are thinking of bringing back the Shamrock Shake for the weekend. We should get a lobby group going … I suppose if they wanted to make it really successful they could put a thimble full of the good stuff in it.

Hey – coming up is the last weekend of winter … Top 7 ways you can tell it’s the last weekend of winter …..
7 Big River still giving away 10 thousand dollars for the biggest frozen fish …
6 only 3 snowmobile will fall thru the ice this weekend
5 just got a call from OK tire and my snow tires are in
4 feels like you’re surrounded by people with tans and shirts that say Florida
3 washed the car by driving thru freezing rain and a few lousy potholes
2 finally turned the furnace down and found out how cold it still gets at nightand the Number One way you can tell it’s the last weekend of winter….. it looked nice from the inside but jumped the gun on wearing shorts.

and Donald Duck is celebrating his 74th birthday this weekend. He's dying his ears, uses Rogaine, and ... from time to time needs 'the little blue pill'.

-- Bill

Tomorrow's show - Today

Cabin fever is a condition that produces restlessness and irritability caused from being in a confined space. The actual term is slang for a claustrophobic reaction that takes place when a party is isolated and/or shut in, alone or together, for an extended period.

Top 5 – Hi to Nutritionists across the province, locally Kathlene Hangs – here’s the top 5 facts for Nutrition month.

5 Red Bull is not a food group.
Cabin fever is a condition that produces restlessness and irritability caused from being in a confined space. The actual term is slang for a claustrophobic reaction that takes place when a party is isolated and/or shut in, alone or together, for an extended period.
4 Just because they’re made from 10 different pork by-products, hot dogs are not bad.
3 Arena burgers, if eaten in the home teams rink do count as a food group.
2 Nutrition poster boy this year is Clay Aiken, eating veggie anything.
And the Number One fact for Nutrition month – it’s an urban legend; boys and girls that if you eat all your vegetables Mom and Dad will buy you a cell phone …

According to a new online poll, these are the occupations currently perceived to have the most ‘sex appeal’

...10. Soldier 9. Cowboy 8. Surgeon 7. Pilot 6. Photographer 5. Nurse 4. Bartender 3. CEO 2. Personal Trainer 1. Firefighter (3rd year-in-a-row at #1) Les McGirr in Nipawin and John MacDonald in Melfort should be happy about that one.

I can safely say the only fireman I'd be attracted to is one who rescues me. It would be a female fire fighter.

1876 [132] Alexander Graham Bell patents the ‘Telephone’, and 3 days later makes the 1st phone call (unfortunately he’s redirected to voicemail)

1983 Willie Nelson received the Lifetime Achievement Award from he Songwriters' Hall of Fame. It was such a big honor, Willie had his bandana replaced

The coin-operated bus station locker was patented on this date in 1911. Kidnappers everywhere suddenly sat up and said, "Wow!. What a great place for a ransom drop!"

Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone on this day in 1876. In those days it was almost impossible to get an appointment at the patent office -- primarily because they didn't have a phone.

1982 [26] Susan Birmingham sets world record for ‘Loudest Human Shout’ at 120 decibels (an intensity on par with sitting in the front row at a rock concert)

• “Celebrate Your Name Week” continues, when we’re encouraged to learn the meaning of our names and take pride in them. Here’s a site offering instant background on thousands ...NET: http://www.behindthename.com/

• “Dentist's Day”, honoring the professionals who help us maintain a big, toothy smile.

Bill's WATER COOLER QUESTION: Today’s Question: According to a recent survey, almost half of all women say they would describe their man with THIS word.Answer to Give Out Next Show: ‘Messy’.

• Dolly Parton – The country icon says she’s on a mission to pile on pounds because she wants to disprove rumors that suggest she’s suffering from an eating disorder. (She also needs counter-balance so she doesn’t keep falling forward.) If she could re allocate some of the weight .....?

Dolly Parton is writing the music and lyrics for an updated stage version of her hit 1980 movie, "9 to 5." The new version, based on the 2007 economy is called, "9 to 5, Come Home, Take A Quick Nap, And Then Go To My Other Full-Time Job."

Billy Ray Cyrus and Mylie Cyrus will host and perform the 2008 CMT Music awards – big stuff … April 14th. Mylie Cyrus is such a good interview – Barbara Walters talked to her and she was incredible and what a voice.

• Josh Turner – The “Firecracker” country star has canceled all immediate commitments in order to recover from a chronic sinus infection he acquired during a recent bout with the flu. He’ll return to the road with Carrie Underwood for a MARCH 18 concert in Bethlehem PA.

April Fool’s Day….. Canada’s MP’s are jacking up their salary by $4,600 bucks each per year….. a 3% raise taking them to $155,000 ….ha ha – funny funny big joke – April Fool – what kind of a country gives their mp’s a raise on April 1st.

EASTER: Easter Cream Egg McFlurry’s are now at McDonalds … many carbs – many inches on the hips.

Two daughters in college and I always knew … 80% qualify as ‘sleep-deprived’. A National Sleep Foundation poll finds that most young adults get only 6.8 hours of shut-eye per night. One of mine ran over her cell phone the other day… this would be her third. Left it on the roof of a the car.

A recent study found Canada’s middle class is shrinking…. With 80% of Canadian families working more and earning less then they did 30 years ago…the gap between rich and poor keeps growing and the number of families in the middle is dwindling….rather sad when you think about it.

• The Quecha language of Peru has about 1,000 words pertaining to potatoes. (2008 is officially the UN’s ‘Year of the Potato’.) I’ sorry I think about without laughing out loud. Now – feeding people in impoverished country’s – yes – understand that.

There’s a new problem in the world of competitive ski jumping…. The jumpers are developing eating disorders in an attempt to stay as skinny as possible so they can get more distance out of their jumps…

Were you a boy scout when you were young ...The Scouts are celebrating their 101s birthday and their updating their image – its Be Prepared.com now, they’re not tenting in the bush .. their renting a nice cabin by the beach in Candle Lake.

YOUR FAVORITE BASEBALL PLAYER USED HGH IN THE OFF-SEASON
Head no longer fits in the batter's box
Needed to cut hole in dugout roof so he could sit down
Only needs three steps to reach 1st base
Had to sew two uniforms together
Trainer uses a golf cart to massage his back

and just for Nutrition Month ....

Top 5 SIGNS YOU'RE NOT A FASHION MODEL:
5 Last night's dinner consisted of MORE than 3 peas.
4 That photo of you and your pug on your Facebook page with the caption, “I'm the one on the left.”
3 You only landed the lead role in ‘Hunchback’ because the producers wanted to save money on makeup.
2 What good are $250-shoes if you can't see 'em?
1 Jim Bob's All-U-Kin-Eat Country Buffet had to hire a bouncer to keep you out.

GUIDE TO DECIPHERING APARTMENT RENTAL ADS: it's spring and lots of people contemplating that move ....

• “Easy Access to Transportation” ... next to railroad tracks.• “Great View” ... overlooks the dumpster.• “Heated Pool” ... when the sun's out.• “Light and Airy” ... cold and drafty.• “Pets Welcome” ... the place smells.• “Rustic” ... interior design from the '80s.• “Secure Parking” ... manager's apartment overlooks the parking lot.• “Spacious” ... it’s a flippin’ hole in the wall.

-- Bill

A Classic - I love it - Red Skelton

Before any wives cry foul on this one - there are lots of things wrong with men. Men in a marraige, men at the office, men in sports. But Red Skelton had a special brand of humor that is not found today. The closest comedian I recall who uses the English language well in comedic fashion is Brett Butt.

Here is Vintage Red Skelton .....

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas .

3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!' .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling 'Am I too late for the garbage?' .... The driver said 'No, jump in!'

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked 'What's on the TV?' I said 'Dust!'Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it.........this is the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word........ just clean and simple fun.

-- Bill