It's Going to be an Exciting Week ...

Big time news coming up Tomorrow - we'll have some great guests in studio and we'll let you know how you can have a marvellous vacation during the winter of 2009. It's be a blast - stay tuned.

TOP FIVE SIGNS you’re Barbecue over the weekend sucked …..
5 Flies landing on potato salad died instantly
4 Those "summer birds" circling overhead sure looked like vultures
3 Health Department filming barbecue for their "How not to" series
2 Goodyear Blimp actually circling overhead thinking it was a disaster area.
And the Number One Sign your barbecue sucked over the weekend …. Dad yelled out in front of all the guests … , "Does this ostrich look done to you?"

An American couple is standing in an airport terminal somewhere in the States, waiting for their luggage.
The wife happens to notice an oddly dressed man - She asks her husband where he thinks the guy is from and the husband says he doesn’t know.
The Husband asks the guy .. 'Where are you from ?'
And the guy says …. 'Saskatoon, Saskatchewan'
And the wife says to her husband … 'Well, where is he from ?' and the husband says …
'I don't know' 'He doesn't speak English.

Top 5 things you got from Walking in Relay For Life you weren’t expecting ….
5 Lucrative sponsorship deal with Doctor Scholls.
4 When everybody was half asleep Verda Hoppe won enough money at crib to buy a car
3 You’re Calf Muscle which you hardly ever thought about, is … much, much larger than you really knew.
2 Technical director Mel McCorriston wants new computer - 4.5 gigaherz, 10 gigs of Ram - with at least 5 tetrabytes of storage space.
And the Number One thing you got from Relay for Life you weren’t expecting …… over 187,000 dollars to Beat Cancer !!!

Hey guys – bad news .. the push type lawn mower is making a comeback… because of our pollution problems and because people don’t mind a bit of a work out cutting the lawn…..and it all sounds like a good idea until you try to push it through long grass – then you power up the 15 horsepower weed wacker and scalp the lawn


The locking gas cap is making a comeback – no big surprise there – police are reporting siphoning of gas tanks – hybrid is the way to go now.



You know what is selling in record numbers – Tupperware – and it’s always a sign that the economy is so-so – lots of leftovers eaten at home – and storage for the ton of junk in the garage. More garage sales than ever before as well.

The average north American girl has eight Barbie dolls....although at any given time three of them are out of action.... lying naked at the bottom of the toy box

A Lancaster, New York, man was charged with public lewdness after police found him with a pair of boxer shorts around his ankles. The suspect told police he was "getting a tan."
This summer one Ohio baseball fan at a Lake County Captains game will win an all-expenses paid funeral. The funeral prize package is $6,000 and consists of a free basic casket, a free basic vault, and free service. A burial plot is not included. The winner will be picked at a game in August.

APPLE iPRODUCTS COULD SOON GO W/O ELECTRICITY _ Owners of Apple devices such as iPods and iPhones may soon be able to charge them up by leaving them out in the sun. Apple is working on alayer of solar cells to be inserted under a touch-sensitive screen of the sort used in the iPhone. And … voila .. no need for power.

The CBS chief is deciding whether to retain Katie Couric as the network's lead news anchor. [Or if they should resort to the traditional grumpy old man.]

Max Motors in Butler, Missouri, says sales have quadrupled since the start of the offer. Customers can choose between a gun or a $250 gas card, but most so far have chosen the gun. The dealership sells new and old vehicles and its logo shows a cowboy holding a pistol.

Motorcycle daredevil Robbie Knievel successfully jumped over 24 delivery trucks over the weekend. [He only had one shot to get it right. Couldn’t afford the gas for the second


-- need a little rain God, thanks -- Bill

Ready for the Long Weekend

Top 5 signs the long weekend is almost here ……
5 people working an extra 14 hours for one more measly day off.
4 folks getting anywhere near a liquor store to see if the line up has started yet
3 Tisdale Fire dpt getting ready for 8 to 14 grass fires over the long weekend
2 trying to get the smell out of the old damp camping gear from 7 months ago.

And the Number One sign the long weekend is here ….. people concerned about interest rates because they have to get a loan to pay for the gas they’ll need this weekend.

Iron Man is everywhere ….. Top 7 problems being Iron man …. With an iron suit.

7 Everybody's always asking you to crack walnuts for them.

6 Guys down at the junkyard always using the giant electromagnet to mess with you.

5 ‘Carbon Nanotube Man’ always teasing you about how his suit is lighter.

4 Tongue sticks to the inside of helmet in the Winter.

3 Clanking makes it hard to sneak up on the bad guys.

2 Keeps setting off that security thingy when you exit Shoppers

And the Number One problem with having an iron suit ... rump rust…

History today ....

Gene Pingle of Myrtle Creek, Oregon, set a world onion peeling record on this day in 1977. Gene peeled 50 pounds of onions in 31 minutes. He was so happy he cried for two hours.

The Swinging Washing Machine was patented on this day in 1888. a large swing operated the machine. Thus, children could swing and wash clothes at the same time. More often than not, however, one child would swing while the other child fell into the machine. Hey, it was good clean fun.

Joe DiMaggio began a record 56-game hitting streak on this date in 1941. Ball players are so superstitious, I wonder if he used the same bat for 56 days? The same uniform? The same plug of tobacco?

The first nylon stockings went on sale today … And from that day forward, legs have looked a lot better and men have looked a lot longer.

What's Happening .......

Got a to do list for the weekend – rake, y’know we have to mow the lawn, and get in a round of golf, got to have the first BBQ – and oh yea – paint a house this weekend.

CJVR news is watching the gas prices very carefully … and … ooops .. too late.

Did you know that 20,000 Canadians identify their religion as “Jedi – Guardians of Peace and Justice from Star Wars – I don’t think they go to church they just rent Star Wars movies.

This weekend the World Hockey Championships wrap up – or you call it – the leaf’s fans consolation prize.

Jay Leno last night – the only thing good about the Cannes film festival is topless beaches and Cameron Diaz.

Cannes film festival big disappointment Number 3 for Don Faulkner in Tisdale – no Jerry Lewis movies …

Humboldt Broncos have their big due Friday night – have a good time and drive carefully. We're proud of you guys !!

Good morning to Ryan Kadrowski the editor of the Tisdale Recorder … Great newspaper - always a great read

Mary Sawatsky of Tisdale has donated a quilt for a raffle for Relay for Life – Terrific stuff Mary and that quilt has been on display at many cancer functions. 45 teams so far and lots of time to register your team.

Wal mart reports a profit of 3.02 Billion dollars … no wonder all those yellow faces in Walmart are smiling all the time.

Police say a 7-year-old South Florida boy, who plays Grand Theft Auto on his XBOX … faces grand theft auto charges after taking his grandmother's Dodge Durango for a joyride. The eight minute trek left a swath of damage in his neighborhood Friday. The boy smashed mailboxes, hit parked cars and signposts. Luckily he was unhurt. Police said he literally drove until a wheel fell off. The right front wheel, to be exact, which broke off after the boy hit a sign.

-- Bill -- talk to you at 530 am

I Love May

Top 5 things I love about May on the Prairies …..
5 Even on May 12 you can still find a pond to skate on
4 Even on May 12 you can still golf in your down filled Canadian made parka
3 Constant exercise raking between snowfalls
2 There’s only one season all year long to worry about

and the Number One thing I love about May on the Prairies – you still have that handy remote start to warm up the car on the May long weekend.

Top 5 things women say when they’re stressed at work ….. here we go ladies …
5 Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done
4 Well this day was a total waste of make-up.
3 Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
2 Don't worry. I forgot your name too.And the Number One thing women say when they’re stressed out at work …….. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Local -----

Good morning to Ryan Kadrowski the editor of the Tisdale Recorder …

Mary Sawatsky of Tisdale has donated a quilt for a raffle for Relay for Life – Terrific stuff Mary and that quilt has been on display at many cancer functions. 41 teams so far and lots of time to register your team.

I was at Jubilee Ford on the weekend – and saw a magnet on the staff Microwave … “I don’t have hot flashes – I have short private vacations in the Tropics.

National / International .......
72.5% of men answered "yes," when Cosmopolitan magazine asked, "Can falling in love affect your job performance?"

Pseudo-actor David Hasselhoff says he'll have nothing to do with the retooled “Knight Rider” TV series (NBC) because producers ignored his ideas for the pilot and reneged on an offer to let him guest star (you tell ‘em – they’re really gonna miss having a drunk crawling around the set on all-fours!) .

A new poll says the most anticipated movie of the season is Sex and the City. [The Roger Clemens Story.]

Gas prices are continuing to go up. Aren’t you glad you drive a really old car – because when the piece fall off you get better mileage.

On TV yesterday: Yoga classes for pets are now popular. Experts say you can teach your pet to meditate. Gee, I’m not so sure. My dog/cat sleeps 20 hours a day -- eats one hour a day -- licks himself three hours a day. Trying to squeeze meditation into his busy schedule might just cause a lot of stress.

Imports of Barbie dolls and other Western toys will have destructive cultural and social consequences in Iran, the Islamic Republic's top prosecutor was quoted as saying. [I agree. The last thing Iran needs is millions of little girls who think they can do what they want.]

Modesto, California, police are blaming a scratching cat for an accident that toppled a power pole and shut down a street for nearly an hour. A police spokesman that a woman was driving with a cat in her lap. The animal scratched her, and she drove into the pole. The woman suffered minor injuries and was taken to a hospital. The cat was taken to a vet to treat an injured eye.

Police say a 7-year-old South Florida boy faces grand theft auto charges after taking his grandmother's Dodge Durango for a joyride. The eight minute trek left a swath of damage in his neighborhood Friday. The boy smashed mailboxes, hit parked cars and signposts. Luckily he was unhurt. Police said he literally drove until a wheel fell off. The right front wheel, to be exact, which broke off after the boy hit a sign.

MILEY CYRUS is the World’s Richest Celebrity according to People magazine. She will be worth about $1 billion at the end of the year following total income from movies, television and her book deal.

Scientists studying the DNA of chickens say they are actually descendents of the Tyrannosaurus rex. As you can imagine, there were a lot fewer chicken jokes back then.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:Today’s Question: 1-in-12 of today’s new moms have THIS in common... They are age 35 or older (a 73% increase since 1970).

Witnesses at the scene said they watched furniture getting sucked through a broken window of the CNN lobby. The CNN employees said the last time they saw furniture sucking so dramatically—they were shopping at IKEA.

The CBS chief is deciding whether to retain Katie Couric as the network's lead news anchor. [Or if they should resort to the traditional grumpy old man.]

Odds and Sods

Canadian Mint is checking out the 5 dollar coin again and scrapping the penny – there going to do this – but they need a name for this coin – Top 6 rejected names for the 5 dollar coin.
6 The Big Nickel – that’s pretty lame
5 The Quintooney
4 3.98 American
3 The Tin Fin
2 The Back Breaker – like that one
And the Number One rejected Name for the 5 dollar coin ---- two toonies, a loney and a piece of fluff

Out of the Mouths of Babes – great thoughts from Wee Little Kids …

• “When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.”
• “I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?”• “If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how quiet it would be until the looting started.”
• “As you make your way through life, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up.”
• “Think of the biggest number you can. Now add 5. Then, imagine if you had that many donuts”• “I once heard the voice of God. It said ‘Vrrrrmmmmm’. Unless that was just a lawnmower.”

TIM MCGRAW’s first cologne, McGraw By Tim McGraw, will be out in August. The scent is described as spicy and woody and contains elements of lavender, sandlewood, nutmeg and aged whiskey. He will appear in print and television ads to promote its release.

TRISHA YEARWOOD’s new cookbook, Georgia Cooking In An Oklahoma Kitchen, debuts at #3 on this week’s New York Times Best Sellers Hardback list.

On TV yesterday: Yoga classes for pets are now popular. Experts say you can teach your pet to meditate. Gee, I’m not so sure. My cat sleeps 20 hours a day -- eats one hour a day -- licks himself three hours a day. Trying to squeeze meditation into his busy schedule might just cause a lot of stress.

YOUR TEEN SON IS BUSY STARTING TODAY _ What will your teen son be doing this week and weekend? One of two things, or both: playing Grand Theft Auto IV, which is out today (April 29), or watching Iron Man, which hits theaters Friday. Analysts predict GTA IV will easily top last year's record-breaking $300 million first-week sales of Halo 3.

Scientists in the UK are seeking 150 women to eat chocolate every day for a year for the cause of medical research. [So far three and a half billion women have applied.]

Imports of Barbie dolls and other Western toys will have destructive cultural and social consequences in Iran, the Islamic Republic's top prosecutor was quoted as saying. [I agree. The last thing Iran needs is millions of little girls who think they can do what they want.]

Modesto, California, police are blaming a scratching cat for an accident that toppled a power pole and shut down a street for nearly an hour. A police spokesman that a woman was driving with a cat in her lap. The animal scratched her, and she drove into the pole. The woman suffered minor injuries and was taken to a hospital. The cat was taken to a vet to treat an injured eye.Police say a 7-year-old South Florida boy faces grand theft auto charges after taking his grandmother's Dodge Durango for a joyride. The eight minute trek left a swath of damage in his neighborhood Friday. The boy smashed mailboxes, hit parked cars and signposts. Luckily he was unhurt. Police said he literally drove until a wheel fell off. The right front wheel, to be exact, which broke off after the boy hit a sign.

-- Bill

Administrative Professionals Day- aka - Happy Secretaries Week

THE SECRETARY'S CREED: In honor of “Administrative Professionals Day” ...

• Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4 pm. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.• If it's really a ‘rush job’, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.• Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.• If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.• Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.• If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.• If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.• If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.• Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

Is that secretary calling ….. TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE REALLY LATE FOR WORK
5 You bump into a supervisor as he's heading home
4 Wait a second! The sun is going down!
3 All the traffic is heading the other way
2 You hear people mutter "Why even bother?" as you walk in

And the Number One Sign you’re really late for work … You sit down for your weekly Tuesday meeting. It was yesterday.

PEEVE: For Administrative Professional’s Day here are the top five biggest pet peeves of administrative professional’s everywhere:

5...constantly being lumped into the same group as no talent receptionists
4...you leave home for a career and you end up being a mother all day anyway for a bunch of useless sales people
3...the boss makes ten times as much as you and he doesn’t even know how to turn a computer on
2...those wrist bandages you have to wear for your carpal tunnel syndrome don’t go with anything.
1...the boss thinks he runs the company and he gets a big office.....you actually run the company and all they can afford for you is a cubicle with some fake walls.

BOOK: Today is the 13th annual Canada Book Day and here are the top five truly Canadian book titles:
5…The Maple Syrup Murders
4…Ski-Dooing in July and Other Things You Shouldn’t Try
3…The Perma-Frost Affair
2…101 Ways to Stay Warm
1....In Gretzky We Trust

SECRETARY, AGAIN: Here are the top five best things about going to lunch with the boss for Administrative Professional’s Day:
5...you find out what the boss thinks of you if you end up at a chip truck
4...you can make the boss sweat by asking the waiter all kinds of questions about the Lobster
3...it makes you realize how enjoyable lunches with your friends really are
2...you end up with a bunch of good “boy are they an idiot” stories to tell co-workers
1...you can gouge the boss for a lot more money than if you just get the customary flowers

SEC: Today is Administrative Professional’s Day..... and here are some reasons it’s great to be a male administrative professional:
-no one expects very much
-in a lot of cases it’s easier to impersonate the boss on the phone to get things done
-the boss doesn’t think you’ll like flowers so you get cash on Administrative Professional’s Day

TYPE: Today in Springfield, Missouri it’s the 18th annual KGBX Typewriter Toss .... it’s to celebrate Secretary’s Day and has gotten easier for the radio station.... as they now have their pick of typewriters to toss and they don’t cost anything because they’re all obsolete anyway
NOTE: Today is Administrative Professional’s Day, but remember, tomorrow they’ll want to be referred to as……… executive assistants once again

-- Bill (have a good day Darlene)